*Trigger Warning*
*Graphic Content/Sensitive Material*

I’ve shared this piece of my story on devotional platforms, but never publicly on social media. Please do not read this with a judgment, hatred, or condemnation tone. It is written with empathy, compassion, and sorrow with the intention to offer hope.

I was a 23-year-old single mother, recent college graduate and in a very dark place. I lacked self-worth and found myself in an unhealthy relationship and became pregnant, to which his immediate response was to have an abortion.

I was lied to by a spirit of fear. I wouldn’t be able to succeed if I had another child. What kind of life would I be able to give another child, if I could barely do it now? I was lied to by a spirit of shame. What would people think of me? I became a mom as a teen and now fresh out of college I’d be doing this alone, again… having another child with another guy. How would people look at me? What would they say about me? I was ashamed to be another single mom “statistic.” I was lied to by our culture that I, and this child, would be a burden to everyone – I wasn’t yet aware of the blessing children truly are. I believed the lies of the devil and the evils of this world.

I went to an abortion clinic, alone. They did an ultrasound, to see which method would be best, and never said a word to me. I gave some stupid “radiation exposure” excuse for why I was there, to make myself feel better in front of them, because there was already shame developing. Still nothing was said to me. I really wanted to see the ultrasound, but the monitor was turned away from me. I didn’t have the courage to ask to see it, so I laid there in the cold room, starring at the ceiling, in total silence. I was given a pill to use and sent on my way. I was told to come back to make sure it was completed. On December 25, 2005 (because I’ll never forget that day) I had an abortion.

I was alone in my apartment while I used the medication. Within a short period of time I began to cramp horribly, my body being forcibly sent into labor. I went to the bathroom and blood gushed out of my body. I was terrified. I didn’t know what was normal because the clinic didn’t tell me. I felt my baby (not clump of cells), only 6 weeks into gestation, leave my body. l knew it when it happened. I will never be able to erase that memory or feeling. I didn’t have the nerve to look down and face what I had done. I flushed the toilet and a big part of my life went with that sweet baby.

I didn’t feel relieved. I didn’t feel free. I didn’t feel peace. I didn’t feel empowered. I didn’t feel happy about it. I was immediately ensnared by the devil and all of his lies. I felt like a horrible human. I went further into a pit of darkness & depression. I was completely disgusted with myself. I was tormented by my actions. The devil would whisper to me, daily, for many years to come, “You’re worthless.” “If anyone finds out, they’ll hate you.” “You are a murder.” “You’re going to hell.” “You will never be forgiven, by anyone, let alone God.” “You’re such a hypocrite.” “You killed a child on the day you celebrate the birth of Jesus.” “You flushed it away.” “I can’t believe you did that after telling someone else not to.” Sometimes I would drink to try and forget the pain, but it never worked, the devil was always there to hold it over my head. I constantly asked, begged, and cried out for God to forgive me. Yet, I never felt forgiven. I would go on to struggle with many demons for many years.

When I finally decided to have another baby, I remember telling Jesse, “It might take a while since I have been on birth control so long.” – The truth was I was scared that God wouldn’t allow me to ever have another child because I killed the last one He gave me. I needed to find a way to excuse my inability to conceive. Within one month I was pregnant. Instead of the joy I should’ve genuinely felt, although I made it seem that way, the wave of guilt washed over me more than ever. I questioned all of it. “How could I be pregnant? I don’t deserve this. So many women struggle with infertility, and here you are, a murderer, pregnant within a month!” I could not allow myself to see the tender grace God was extending to me. When Jesi Rae was born, I went into a deep postpartum depression. I didn’t share with anyone and struggled alone.

After a year and a half, we decided to try for another baby. I was quickly pregnant again and found myself having the same shameful thoughts and questioning with this pregnancy. Jesse knew I was in a bad place, but I don’t think he knew the cause and reached out to a counselor on my behalf. It wasn’t until this season in therapy was I able to release these thoughts, invite God into the pain with me and begin to heal. I’ll never forget the therapist allowing me to mourn her loss, name her, honor her, and hold her in my heart. Before this, I didn’t ever feel like I was worthy of any of that. I felt because my loss was self-inflicted, I didn’t deserve to grieve like a mother who had lost a child. 

It took time, but I have finally been able to receive God’s forgiveness. When the devil tries to whisper lies about this, I can immediately shut him down. I remind him that I am forgiven. I am washed clean by the blood of Jesus. The devil or his demons have no power to condemn me!

When I see my three beautiful children together, my heart still aches at the missing child who should be with them. I always thought about that sweet baby, and still do. My baby. I often think of “she” when that child comes to mind. I always wonder, “What would she look like? What kinds of things would she like? What would her passions have been? I bet her and Leah would’ve been so sweet growing up together.” She would be 16 in August – I still keep track of her birthdays.

She is why I am so outspoken about abortion. I speak with concern, and empathy, for anyone who has done it or is contemplating it. I HAVE walked that road, worn those shoes, believed the lies that it was best for her and me. I now know what a lie all of that was. I would’ve made it. I would have been strong enough. I would have still been successful. I would have overcome the disgrace anyone tried to shame me with. I see photos of 6-week gestation babies and my heart and soul cry out to God. I see my baby in abortion images. Are they hard to look at? Yes, they should be, they need to be seen. I hold on to the hope that she is safe in Heaven, healed and whole. I find peace knowing that I will get to wrap my arms around her when I get there.

When this recent Roe v Wade news broke out, I knew the devil was going to try to use it to shame me. I went to God in prayer that night. I told Him how much I loved her, how sorry I am, for Him to tell her, and I asked Him about her – I also told God that if she’s actually a boy, when I get there, we would laugh about me being wrong. I asked God to give me more courage and strength, and He has been faithful to do so. I’m also praying for those that have had to endure their pain all over again. I pray for the people conceived in rape, that got to live, as they hear people suggest that they should be dead.

When I hear people say it’s murder, I agree, because it is. I am convicted by my sin, but not condemned. I have been forgiven. When people say they can’t understand how someone could ever have an abortion, I don’t get offended, I know that they have understood the value of a tiny little life longer than I have. I wish abortion had never been an option. I wish someone would’ve shared with me the million reasons why I shouldn’t do it, how much regret I would live with, and especially all the pain it would forever cause. All babies have value and worth, no matter how many days/weeks/months into development they’re in, or circumstances they were conceived in. Those are lies, disguised as support, carefully crafted by the devil to deceive women. These lies remove all empowerment from women, they are anti-woman, and they tell women they (and their babies) are actually weak, unworthy, and incapable. I will speak out for the rest of my life, on behalf of my child who deserved to live and the millions of others. Only God gives life, women get the honor to carry and give birth to that life. We should not ever be the ones in control of or choose the death of any children.

I thank God for the redemption of my life. I thank God for the three beautiful children He has given me. I thank God for a supportive husband. I thank God for placing people in my life to help me heal. I thank God for giving me people to help me see His hand at work throughout my whole life. I thank God for being with me, even when I didn’t see or feel Him. I thank God for giving me grace, and mercy, over and over again. I thank God for His forgiveness. I thank God that He will use my past mess for His glory.

If you read all of this, thank you for taking your time to do so. There’s so much else to read on social media, aimlessly scroll through, and enjoy, so I appreciate it. If I have caused any past hurt to start to come to the surface, I’m here for you. There is healing awaiting you. If you’re considering, or ever consider having an abortion, I’m here for you too.